Yesterday was our 20th wedding anniversary. I should have known this marriage was doomed when the unity candle would not light.
It now has its own home at newordergames.com.
Bill is going on a date tonight.
At first, I could not understand why this hurt me so much. After all, I have known that our marriage was over for more than three years now. I have told Bill, many times, that I am OK with him dating while we are getting ready to file for divorce, and I meant it. I have gone through the stages of grief, I have made my peace with the situation, so why this emotional response?
I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week, and finally realized that deep down inside I never believed I am worthy of being loved, because even I don’t like myself, so how can anybody else? And yet a part of me had always hoped that I was wrong. I wasn’t, and that’s why it hurts so much.
Two years ago, I wrote a list of the things I miss. Back then, I was on the beginning rungs of the Stages of Grief ladder, alternating between denial and anger. Now, I am somewhere in the middle, acceptance mixed with depression. Perhaps two years from now I will be at the end – older, wiser, better, happier. But today
– I still miss being held.
– I still miss knowing that I am loved.
– I still miss snuggling.
– I still miss the security of having a partner.
I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t matter at all. And then I feel like a really selfish bitch because so many people I know are going through shit that’s so much worse…