Knowing me, knowing you…

Sometimes, when people ask me how I am doing, I think about telling the truth: “I am fine, except that my husband is tired of trying to make our marriage work, and wants a divorce.”

Awkward…

It’s been about three months since he told me that. Up until then, I was under the mistaken impression that things were actually finally starting to get better. Stupid me.

I was dealing with it pretty well, all things considered, but apparently this week my antidepressants decided to lose the good fight, and for the last few days I have been quietly falling apart. Pretending that things are OK is taking up all my energy. I am barely functioning at work. We have friends coming over this weekend, and all I want to do is lock myself in my bedroom with a book and pretend that the real world does not exist.

It is hard to accept that this is the end. That the last 17 years of my life have, for all intents and purposes, been a failure and a waste. My dead-end job, my dead-end marriage, my dead-end life. I am so terrified of telling my parents that.

The soundtrack of my life, brought to you by ABBA:

Happy Valentine’s Day. FML.

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4 thoughts on “Knowing me, knowing you…

  1. I don’t think it’s ever a waste, or a failure because it ends. But it’s a hard place to be in, that’s for sure. And forgive yourself for the ups and downs. *hugs* You are only human, and your friends (including me) love you.

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  2. It’s not a waste. You have three beautiful children. Who, some day, you will appreciate. 🙂 All your friends still love you, no matter what. Look at this as a new beginning, instead of an ending. You can re-invent yourself into someone you like better. Not that there’s anything wrong with who you are now.

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  3. During the process of adding your blog to my flipboard after not being able to keep up with the blogs I enjoy reading, I happened upon your valentine’s day post.

    HUGS

    All I can say is keep trying different things until you find what supports you in the way you need at the moment.

    The most amazing thing I heard within a few months of when my ex told me he wanted a divorce was a woman in a support group standing up and telling how she owned her own house, had her own business or a good job (not sure which any more) and was reasonably happy. It was kind of a shock to my system to hear that someone else had made it and maybe I too could recover from from the depression and fear and guilt to able to be continue ( or start ) living my very own life.

    My thoughts are with you and your children.

    Love and Light,
    Sandra

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