[I am wallowing in self-pity. You have been warned.]
So far, this trip has been totally not what I expected. From my mother’s comments on my weight — “Look at Aunt T., do you want to be like her? Nobody will say it to your face, but privately they will say K. and J. are thin, and you are fat.” When she talks to her friends, she tells them how much weight I have gained. My Dad told me I have become “square-shaped.” It hurts so much.
I am going slowly insane being with the kids all day long. It is becoming crystal-clear to me that I should never had children to begin with.
D. keeps destroying things. Almost every day, he breaks a toy, or throws one away, and then he expects us to fix it or get it back or buy him a new one. Nothing I do or say gets through to him.
S. keeps whining about everything. EVERYTHING. I am so sick and tired of it. He treats X. roughly, starts fights with D. and then complains when D. retaliates, disobeys simple rules (“don’t touch the TV” should not be this hard to master, now should it?). As above, nothing I do or say gets through.
X. does not want to drink milk. I only nurse him once or twice a day, and he sees these sessions as an opportunity to bite my boobs. He is eating tons of solid food (almost as much as his brothers) but I am worried that he is not getting enough liquids. I know he is not dehydrated because he drools and cries with tears, but he absolutely refuses to drink milk from the bottle. I don’t know what to do.
I am struggling to put in 20 hours of work a week. In part it’s because the only time I can be assured of no interruptions is after the kids go to bed, which sometimes means 11:30 pm. In the mornings Dad takes the older boys outside, and Mom watches X, but sometimes I sleep then because I am not sleeping at nights and because when I do sleep D. and S. are in bed with me, and they are restless sleepers.
I did not realize that going part-time would mean having to pay my employer’s share of health insurance, which is more than what they will pay me for 20 hours a week, so when I get back to being full-time in September, money will be subtracted from my paychecks to cover the difference. It has cost us so much financially to come here (tickets, visas for the boys, loss of income, fine for pulling X. out of summer day care) and now that I am here, it sucks.
My parents don’t really talk to me. When I try to explain things to them, they don’t understand. When I complain about things, they play the devil’s advocate (“If the higher-ups at your work are so stupid, how come they are the management, and you are in a dead-end position where nobody listens to you?”) Mom tells me I should find things for the kids to do, but does not offer any suggestions (Sorry, Mom, but it seems like the only thing they like doing is getting into trouble, and you are against that). We are like strangers sharing a house. This sounds so pathetic, but I don’t think they like me.
I know things will get better. Lights at the end of tunnels, etc. Right now, though, it all just looks so bleak, I want to cry.