Who knows, some day my kids might read this blog and go, “Moooooooooom! Did you HAVE to write that?” And that would be a bit of an awkward moment. Case in point:

When we decided it was time to have kids, we knew it may take us a while. To our great surprise, it did not. I have mentioned it before, but to recap:

Quite literally, the result of a mercy fuck. (Years from now, DemonChild finds this out, says “THANKS, MOM”, and gets lots and lots of therapy.)
AKA, we weren’t expecting this to work right away. (Years from now, Squeektar yells “at least I wasn’t a mercy fuck!” at his brother during a heated argument.)

Well, Squeektar is over a year now. When DemonChild was that age, I was pregnant with Squeek already. BelovedSpouse and I talked about having more children. He would be happy with just two. I would like at least one more. We decided to go for it.

Judging by the speed with which my first two pregnancies occurred, one would think my eggs are lined up in a row, waiting for BelovedSpouses’s sperm to ravish them, wearing slutty clothes and crotchless underwear, possibly waving a “come on in, we are OPEN!” sign — definitely NOT playing hard to get. Spousal “swimmers” get a royal welcome, quite likely a limo to help them get to their destination, and voila, one lucky sperm gets the girl.

Two negative pregnancy tests later, enters irony, stage left. Apparently, those sperms were luckier than they knew. I must have run out of slutty eggs. The rest of my eggs are, it appears, not interested in men and would rather suicide than fertilize.

(I know that on average it takes three to six months to conceive. I know that 80% of those trying will conceive within a year. In my head, I know that what happened to us twice in a row was statistically unlikely. In my heart, however, I am disappointed that lighting hasn’t struck thrice. Not rational of me, but there you have it.)

Lesson learned: wait to take the pregnancy test until the day AFTER the expected first day of your period. I am 2 for 2 – negative test in the morning, proof positive that I am not pregnant later in the afternoon. Not only am I not pregnant, I could have saved some money if I only waited 8 hours longer. Not pregnant AND fiscally wasteful, what a lovely combo.

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